Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
