Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
