I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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