So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
