dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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