Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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