Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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