If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
