oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
