my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Holy sore nipples Batman
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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