The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
