my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
