im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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