So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
