chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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