he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He felt like a one man threesome
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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