She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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