I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize