I'm so fucking centered right now
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
