Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
