I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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