i just sent this text using only my big toe
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
