What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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