did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
