i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
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He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
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She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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