I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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