I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
