Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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