i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
