I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
