After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
