Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
