I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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