Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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