Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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