I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
