last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
