Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
