just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
