I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
