Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
