The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
