I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
