I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
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