When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
