she was so not down for the gang bang
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
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Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
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Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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