i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
