He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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