allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
