I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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