We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
