Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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