I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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