You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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