I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
