So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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