My first STD was from a foam party
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
