he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
