Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
